How to Make the NFL Preseason Semi-Relevant in Four Easy Steps

I generally dislike pre-season NFL football. Why? Because, in the grand scheme of the football universe, the only purposes it serves are 1) inuring your top players, and 2) confirming your decision to cut your non-top players.

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I do not watch pre-season football on TV, but I once went to a game (more on that later). What I do, during the pre-season, is cross my fingers that a marquee player doesn't appear on the Monday morning injury reports.

How pointless is the pre-season? Even those who do "pretend" football (aka Fantasy Football) do not have a pre-season.

Miscellaneous pre-season thoughts/ramblings:

(1) Dear Sports Media, Please stop keeping pre-season statistics. If your statisticians need to warm up before the regular season, by all means, let them warm up, but you do not need to get your graphics people to print it all over the screen. Rushing, passing, tackling, etc. numbers do not matter in the pre-season.

Statistically speaking, I was probably one of the most prolific players in the history of the game. Unfortunately, I only played on playgrounds and backyards, so my stats carried the same weight as an NFL preseason statistic--none. You could even go so far as to argue that stats do not matter in the regular season as the league's only truly important statistic is wins and losses.

(2) No one should have to endure pre-season football, but there is one player that should never take the field during the pre-season: the Punter.

Congratulations to Ray Guy for deservedly becoming the first P in the Pro Football Hall of Fame as punters deserve to be recognized for the difficult tasks they are asked to perform, but, save the punts for the regular season. Punting is a key part of a real game, but should never be seen in the pre-season. Practice special teams at home.

When you have a 4th and 1 in a pre-season game, just go for it. 4th and 2? Go for it. 4th and 10? Go for it. 4th and 20? Effing go for it. What is there to lose? Field position? A pre-season football game?

Yep. Exactly. None of that matters. Practice your critical-situation offense in a game-like environment. Do not punt. GO FOR IT! Punters, enjoy an extended offseason and summer!

(3) Stop keeping score. Why do you keep score in a pre-season game? To decide who wins and loses? We already figured out that it does not matter who wins or loses a pre-season game, so why keep score? Do you want to blow out your opponent so that you can then simulate a conservative ball-control offense and prevent defense near the end of the game? No. You should not do that in a pre-season game.

Try to score as many touchdowns as you can, but do not put the points on the board. Want to see how your team reacts when they are down by 13 points with 2 minutes left? Just tell them to pretend they are down by 13 points with 2 minutes left because...they are already "pretending" to play a real football game anyway.

"Hey guys, I know this is the start of the 3rd quarter and most of you will not be employed in a month, but lets pretend we are down by 13 points and the two-minute warning just expired and it is the Super Bowl and your parents are in the stands and millions in endorsements are on the line and the broadcasters haven't figured out the MVP yet. Cool? Awesome. Ready….BREAK!"

No scores. No stats. No standings. Does it matter if you go 4-0 in the pre-season? Ask the 1-15 Dallas Cowboys of 1989 who went 3-1 in the pre-season. During their Super Bowl run (sadly, so long ago), the Cowboys were 7-12-1 in the pre-season. Pre-season wins and losses only matter for freelance writers trying to make a point that pre-season wins and losses do not matter.

[Editor's Note: We also love preseason football because it gives us something to talk about other than who was arrested for dui/marijuana/domestic violence/etc.]

Once, recently, in a moment of temporary insanity, I attended a pre-season football game in San Diego against the visiting Dallas Cowboys. I paid a lot for a ticket. I am not sure why. Half-way through the 2nd quarter, I barely recognized anyone on the field. I was actually surprised I didn't see jerseys with triple-digits on them because there were so many unfamiliar numbers on the turf.

I do remember my wallet being severely lightened by the experience and I also remember belligerent Chargers fans heckling me after Dallas lost the game. Apparently, some fans thought the game mattered on some level.

Winning a pre-season game should be as exciting as kissing your sister (no Game of Thrones reference here).

So, in closing, bench the punter, go for it on 4th down, stop keeping score, save the stats for the regular season and then I might watch a pre-season football game even if I know it really doesn't matter.

By Todd Vorenkamp

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